Thank you, pain.

Pain. That uncomfortable feeling of countless forms that we all collectively want to avoid. Mostly physical pain which serves as a communicator between our body and our consciousness, signalling what is happening in our body so we can take care of it, rest when needed, heal when necessary. And there is emotional pain which occurs while we are living the story of our identity, a character, an Ego – it makes us relate to the world and interact as self-conscious beings. It also signals movements of energy within us and helps us navigate that intangible field. That one we got pretty much used to and often so, without proper understanding, we can become its puppet. So, this following contemplation is a surreal story of pain, acceptance, contentment, alchemy and wisdom that comes from observing and being with the pain.

It was 6am when we embarked on a three-hour ferry from Korčula island to Split, leaving behind another beautiful chapter of reconnection, introspection, Indian summer and work with the land of olives. As our annual olive retreat always magically ends on the New Moon, so did warm summer days say goodbye with a fresh and cold rainfall that lasted for the next few days. I went to the deck to have a smoke and observed the sea passing by, while time to time my upper left molar tooth whispered sharply when wind got to it or when I drank a sip of already cold macacaochino. That’s been happening for the last few weeks, but just on that day it had enough of waiting. On the day when a great company of friends went north to a mountain hut on the windy heights of Dinare to celebrate the unusual marriage of two friends. And got stranded there. Judita even said the day before to my dear Nicole that she should be a tooth fairy for wedding and I can be her tooth. Not knowing anything about my tooth. So I became it, big time.

We met in Frane’s house and felt some concerns about upcoming snow forecast, so we rented a better car for the road and generously decided to leave mine with 500kg load down below the mountain. Thinking of rather staying down altogether wasn’t an option. Of course not, how could we when there is already this funny marriage happening and big chunk of Ancient tribe is reuniting again – the feast, cozy nourishing open fire space, mountains, fresh air, community. And so we went. But my tooth didn’t like that, so it started pulsating, each next time increasingly loudly. The pain was moving through my jaw and into my ear and vanishing again. I am always surprised how penetrating a signal from tiny invisible nerve can be. You could literally draw it. The signal so clear – I should check with the dentist. And while our curious excitement shadowed my concerns, by the time I took the signal seriously, we were already sitting by the fire, surrounded by a snow blizzard that left us in admiration and awe. We were stranded and so was my entrancing tooth. Pulsating, clenching, squeezing, weeping.

I was faced with a realization that for the next three days, I will have to bear the pain somehow. A real life test of all the teachings and practices that I’ve explored and acquired. It is like kundalini yoga where we keep ourselves in uncomfortable positions for a certain time and try to find that place within where serenity resides. Detaching from the pain and refocusing to our center. A place that allows the body to regenerate itself, without mental involvement, but with deep trust in the process. A place where the body is way more enduring and strong.

The music was playing and fire was casting a show of shadows across the room, while my tooth was dancing in its own rhythm. I was constantly reminded to take a breath and acknowledge the pain. Finding peace within no matter what is happening around me. If I fought the pain and wanted it to go away, the blood pressure rose, and pulsating seemed more like a deep bass on a psytrance party.  The pain got louder and unbearable, to the point when I started weeping and couldn’t even lie down. But as soon as I remembered to accept it and be with it, it started spreading throughout the whole body, dispersing into tiny fragments.

The next day and a half I was in a fascinatingly surreal and painful state. Having my focus turned both internally and externally at all times. At last, I managed to fall asleep and later woke up without any pain – into the last phase called nerve necrosis. Many times, during snow blizzard, the locals and mountain rescue team came unannounced to our hut and brought wood, fixed generator, but also just hung out there with us. Well, it’s a mountain hut, what could we expect. It made the whole thing feel like a potential script for a suspenseful thriller.

Many things happened that I will not talk about now, but I must tell you the most hilarious fact that my two friends couldn’t drive down to the city to get married and we were cooking snow to get water. Finally, on the third day we got a ride down the mountain to my car and reached Slovenia same night. Thankfully Nicole managed to drive the whole way while I was surfing through the dreamy half asleep state of painful reminders that dentist is needed. Next day I managed to get there and I got pretty rough operation of root canal cleaning after the nerve died. Dentist is one of the best places to see how your practice of mindful presence improved – I personally just close my eyes and focus on the breath, guiding myself to a space of total surrender and attentiveness to what is happening. On the contrary, more resistance means bigger struggles and more pain.

Then I got fever for two days and a headache for the grand finale, whilst the tooth calmed down and now it doesn’t hurt anymore. Spending so much time with physical pain in both controlled and unpredictable environments made me contemplate a lot about its correlation with emotional pain. The picture is similar. Bare identification with a painful feeling brings It to life as reality on our life’s motion picture. Resisting, judging or forcefully trying to eradicate it makes it more unpleasant and keeps it running in the background of our subconscious as a puppeteer. But when we approach it with acceptance and feel it as it is - without any story attached - then it is just a feeling. One on the spectrum from scorchingly devastating to blissfully content.

We need to acknowledge the pain and see it as inherent compass on our journey of life. Remember, that we are the alchemists who are weaving interpretations of our experiences, which make our reality either a misery or a mystery. Pain will come and go, but we might get stuck. So, be gentle and slowly dive into your practice of presence, unfolding ever more petals of illusory self, while awakening to the truth. Reside there. Make your life a practice, a mystery. Be.